February snowstorm, 26th street, Manhattan
This past week I filled out a questionnaire about my sex-life in my 50’s for a friend who is an activist, educator and student of human sexuality. This post will not be sexually explicit in any way, but I’m going to reference some of my answers from that form.
In it I said that I am more confident than I was in my 30’s, more aware of how my own desires are unique and distinctive and how that is attractive to certain potential partners and as I have learned to develop awareness and confidence in what makes me ME. I have also developed a comfort with some of my quirks and learned to talk to people (mostly women) more confidently and comfortably. I’ve been finding that despite what I understand is the experience of many men I have been very successful in crafting an online persona and sending messages that get a positive response .
Despite all of this I still find myself feeling the need for external recognition, attention, validation and appreciation. I want to be able to look inward for my own validation but still feel compelled to post things online in order to get a response because the validation that comes from online is like a drug. It fulfills quickly but the fulfillment lapses and another dose is soon required.
My (pending) divorce has given me the opportunity to discover these things about myself, to do my own laundry (which I find satisfying), to keep my own home clean and to feel responsible for my life and well-being in ways that I haven’t experienced in decades. last week I had an hour-long conversation with the divorce attorney about finalizing child-care arrangements. Dealing with my ex has been stressful but I am constantly reminded that in order for me to NOT be a victim I need to take responsibility for everything in my own life. Whatever is causing me pain, or stress, or worry is something that I have created, something that I am responsible for and my task is to determine how I’m responsible for it, and why I created it. Failing to do so leaves me the victim of another’s actions, and I make the choice not to be a victim, to own my own power. It is rarely easy.
On NPR I heard Kim Gordon read online from her recent memoir;
“People change,” Gordon says. “People can’t help who they fall in love with, no matter who it is, and it’s not that I’m not sad about it, but I feel like, in a way, maybe I was stuck in my life. And it’s kind of freed me up to do other things – or do what I was meant to do. So I can only really see it for myself positively.”
This has been very much my experience as well, feeling that I was stuck, that now I can do what I was meant to do, that I see things positively. I think that I feared that I wasn’t good enough, or didn’t have the necessary social skills, or wasn’t fit enough, or was too old, or any number of things, to be able to start fresh, and meet astonishing, accomplished people doing fun ,extraordinary things. Most people have a hard time re-building a network of friends once they get out of college and don’t live in those close quarters, or look to their workplace. I’m fortunate to have been, for 10+ years part of a subculture, a national/international community that has group meetings and events and social ques and norms, and I’ve learned to become good at navigating that network. In the past week or two I’ve had an opportunity to cook dinner for a friend who works for a large foundation that makes grants for LGBTQ rights, and to be invited to another friend’s home for supper where I got to make dessert (yay, home-made butterscotch pudding) and had supper with a great group of people including an NYPD sergeant. I’m am always busy, barely have time to sit and watch TV, it is not uncommon to hear from someone at the last minute, “hey I have some time, do you want to go do….” and I am already booked. I fill my calendar 2 to 3 weeks in advance.
I am trying to find the right balance between feeling that I deserve all of the extraordinary gifts that the universe has offered to me because I work very hard to be the person that I am, to be better at all of the things I didn’t do so well during 20 years of marriage, to not squander my opportunities, etc,, and to balance that against feeling that I am fortunate beyond my comprehension, that I benefit from so much privilege, of being white, male, educated, and supported by a family that cares about me and has the financial stability that I allowed me to take this leap into the unknown (not my first one, for sure). I try to appreciate that there are many people who are smart, and try as hard as I have, but exist in circumstances where their efforts are not supported or cultivated by their family or community, where their efforts are blocked by the government or society or racism.
I don’t want to be an arrogant, presumptuous shit and feel like I deserve all of the joy and abundance that the universe has presented me, at least I don’t deserve it any more than so many others who have worked and tried, and have been beaten down. At the same time I refuse to play the victim, which requires that I take responsibility for both the good and the bad in my life. So I somewhat reluctantly acknowledge my own efforts and that I wouldn’t have such great fortune without great effort, but also am thankful to the universe for offering me such fertile ground in which my efforts can flourish while also being aware that many, many others have worked as hard or harder, and should be equally deserving, but did not have the fertile ground that I’ve been blessed to live in.
The gifts in my life come in the form of people who share their lives with me who want to share meals, or play, or intimacy, or share their home to watch TV, or whatever. I don’t feel financially “wealthy” I have no TV of my own (I can watch stuff online, but I have no conventional TV, no cable or broadcast), I don’t have a car and I take the subway so I don’t have to pay for cabs or uber, my apartment is less than 1/2 furnished, I don’t even have proper winter boots, but despite all of that, I’m thankful every day. I’m thankful for what I learned during 20 years of marriage, for the opportunities that being not-married are offering me, and for so many extraordinary people who are willing to share their lives with me in New York (and everywhere else).
Just read thru some of your posts, which I hadn’t done before. Sounds like you are doing some good things and making some good decisions/realizations along the way. Two things strike me when you describe yourself as privileged to be white, male, educated, and supported by a family…I think you need to remove “educated” from the list because most of your education comes from choices you have made.
Hope New York continues to bring you all good things (or lets you find them)
Cheryl;
I have been very fortunate to be able to afford to go to college, and graduate school all with financial support for people in my life. I know so many people that have had to drop out of school because they couldn’t afford it, or had to work full time and not devote their time to their studies.
Whether or not our “most valuable” education comes from these institutions, having a diploma confers a great deal of credit to an individual in the job market. Sure, lots of folks get by without, but as a trend, more people with better education tend to earn more with most people with less education.
Yes, I made some good choices (and some questionable ones), but I’ve been very fortunate to have good choices to make, and a life where making them was not only accommodated, but modeled by my parents and grandparents, as well as their brothers and sisters many of whom went to elite universities or earned advanced degrees.
It took me some time to find my footing in Seattle. Now I have community and work and family and love and tribe and all of these wonderful things. I worked SOOOOO hard to get here. It could have gone another way. And new things for me to work on will doubtless crop up. Best wishes in all your new adventures.
I’ve met some of your tribe, Quinky… Lucky, lucky indeed to have them in your life. Thanks for the kind comments on my blog.
Beautifully said, Jefe.
Thanks Anne;
Unfortunately some of the private replies were so much more judgmental, about how I “want to miss out on seeing my son grow up” and how it “sucks” for the people that have stayed in Seattle.
I mostly try to present my most positive feelings online and don’t discuss as much of my conflicted feelings on these things, but they are real for me none-the-less,